No regrets

It's been quite some time that this happened on me.
All the tough time we been through, I ever never blame why this would happen on me for my first time.
I even ever never regret that I made this decision since the very beginning.
Perhaps, this is my life and I am meant to take this path.

For a reason? For a purpose?

No one knows everything but us, unless I am never a part of you.
Even lack of recognition make me insecure, but I will accept the truth with no regrets.
I knew this may bring negative impacts to all sides.
Still, I won't and never give up.
I will still "play well" on the field while I still can.

Maybe it is still not the right timing.
I am always well-prepared and waiting for that very moment.

THIS IS MY STORY AND I HOPE IT BELONGS TO YOU TOO.

A random diary

To 99th Day

When feeling no longer can be expressed by words
It is either to fade or to grow

When truth no longer can be seen by naked eyes
It is either to grab or to release

When atmosphere no longer can be sensed by essences
It is either to stay or to leave

When everything started to lost its own characteristics
It's the ending of one thing
At the same time
It's the beginning of another

Perhaps I am not experienced and immature in it
Perhaps it is meant to be like this by its nature
Perhaps...
Perhaps......

Too much within the thick fog
I am lost without any clues
The words from the third party
Acceptable or deniable?

From 98th Day

The moments of helpless

揭晓了
知晓了
非常无助
无可奈何
不知所措

空聊聊的屋子
只有我的气息
High Bass的陪伴
总是觉得比不上你的陪伴
就那么地希望
你现在就在我左右

这个时候
也只能往内坑
不能向你发泄所有的无助
因为
我现在只是
一个平凡不过的路人甲
一个不显眼也不耀眼的路人甲

Beneath my mind

This community had been polluted and become uglier as time goes on.

Why it had to be misunderstood the concept?

It is suppose to be a normal thing, just that with some extraordinary features.

Not only me having this kind of thought, I'm happy that I found someone who shared the same thought.

I just love her so much and I totally salute her.

Everyone are naturally born to be a bisexual. There always has the probability for LGBT to occur. It will slowly be reveal as we grow. What been gone through, what been experienced, all of this form a "today" me. Nothing is big deal about it, and it should not be look differently. It's the problem that everyone "assume" that relationship between guy and girl is normal. Actually there is nothing wrong with some what they called "special" relationship.

Besides, thanks to a special one that shaped my perception and definition towards relationship.
Although it's not fully mine, but it's meaningful to me.

Life will never complete and perfect without a mate that willing to walk along with us. Obviously it is unreality in this real world as the society is changes to a "new level". Love can assume to be "debtor and creditor", and it should be flexible. It is not suppose to be one side lending then another side just receiving and owing at all time. Don't be a debtor at all time, sometime should turn be a creditor too. Thus, it will be balance and last long as long "convertible and reversible" take place. The one should able go through the "recession" with the another one throughout the cycle. And, always remember the moment when having "expansion". Never blame of the factors that caused all of this, it just happened by its nature. If both are strong enough to go through all the test, a bright path will reveal.

Everyone is waiting the right time for the right one.
It is the matter that how we appreciate the chance and grab the timing.
I admitted that I had acted too fast and there is no way to turn back.
I shall grab it tight, follow the flow and steam.
At least I will not regret no matter what outcome will be, because I TRIED.

Still, it seems like I inflicted your poison and you are the only cure.
I want to be your whole-life creditor so that I can use my remaining life to repay the debts that I owed you.
"Welcome you to my world of truth, I don't wanna hide any part of me from you."
May the luck with me.

What the hell on earth happen on me recently?
I'm just feels like I did not act like myself.

Is it because of my lifestyle?
Is it because of my academic?
Is it because of my family?
Is it because of YOU?

The uninvited pressure just come to me continuously.
I knew that part of it indirectly created by my own, but I hardly to cope with it.
And I had done it too obvious which I know I should not.

It is my very first time for everything of this.
I'm just out of control and become aggressive.
Promise myself I'll take it slowly and not showing that I'm too desperate for it.
It's all my bad and I hope you could understand.

Previously I never feel like this before.
The moment I saw you, it just signaling me that YOU'RE THE ONE.
Yet, why I still feel so uncertain?
Unsecure?
Emotion?

Rules and discretion

My mind is full of you
My body consists of you
My soul belongs to you
Even my heart beats for you

I knew I shouldn't like this
But myself just out of control
I also knew that this kind of period
Is always the sweetest moments

If it turns out to be a positive
Then it might be forever and long-lasting
Else just let me suffering "The Great Depression" for a short moments

I read the story about you
I also heard your story
You know what you demand
And you're aware on what you are going to do
Sometimes
I just keep thinking that
"Am I possible be yours?"

No matter how
Time is essential for any decision
It even can prove the truth hidden within
I have the confident
And I'll try my best
To make you say "You're mine"

I'll always be there
Whenever you need me
My words
Will never be "time-inconsistent"
But a "constrained discretion"
Always be flexible based on you

~I Shall Not Restrain Myself to Achieve My Target~

It's all about chemistry: The another sequential

你的事情
About your stuff
不知你做到如何
I'm unsure how you had done
突然的一份信息
A message in a sudden
脑海不断闪过你的样貌
Your faces flashed through my brain non-stop
心跳也渐渐地增快
Heart started to beat faster
不知会不会让彼此无聊
Not sure will make each other boring
不知会不会冷场
Not sure will have a "lame" scene
不知……
Not sure...
不知……
Not sure....

又兴奋又糊涂
So excited, yet so blur
开始了第一次的见面
The very first meet up between me and you began

第一眼
First sight on you
我偷笑了
I was giggled
再多一眼
Another sight on you
那平静的心
That peaceful and calm heart
像一杯溢出来的水
Just like a cup of overflown water
开始失去控制
Started to lost control
想就这样盯着你看
Was thinking of just stare at you like this
但是
But
脸红了
I'm blushed
也不敢看入你的眼神
And not even dare to look at your eyes

难以想象
I can't even imagine that
你就是我一直想寻找的那一位
You are the one that I sought for so long
你那张脸
Your face
你的声音
Your voice
你的性格
Your personalities
就连你的头发
Even your hair
就是喜欢
I just like your everything

那一个午餐
That lunch
漫长
Was long
过得短暂
But it felt so short
了解你的一点一滴
The moment try to heard your story
时间就开始闹别扭了
Time started to disgruntled

只想让彼此多点时间
Just want to give each other more time
不要只是那瞬间的冲动
Not just for that moment of momentum and inertia
也不敢抱着任何希望
Not even dare to have any hope
就觉得应该只是单恋
Just feel that it just an one-sided love

但是
But
隐约地暗示
That hint
你察觉到了吗？
Did you realized?

《待续》
To be continued...

It's all about chemistry: The sequential

不知什么时候
I have no idea when is the time
开始被你吸引了
I started attracted by you
虽不曾见过
Though we never meet before
但感觉就是喜欢作弄我
But my feeling keep on fooling me around

从开始介绍自己至今
From the time we introduced ourselves
我都难以忘记
I hardly to forget
还不断在脑海中徘徊
And the memory just keep on flashing through my mind
不知所措
I am lost
也不知是对是错
Did I done the right thing?

你的每一张照片
Every photos of you
同样的脸孔
Although the same face
述说着你不同的故事
It told me a lot of yours story
你的每一字一句
Every sentences of yours
隐约地让我知道你就是那么有天分
Subtly let me know that you are such talented
你是个知识分子
You are an intellectual
你就是那么的完美
You are just PERFECT

唉……
Sigh........
我到底是怎么了？
What the hell on earth happen on me again?
我选择了等待
Stubbornly, I choose to wait
这次行吗？
Is it work for this time?
还是又像以往
Or will be the same that
再一次被自己伤害？
I'm hurting myself once again?

想抱着大的希望
Wish to hold a great hope
但是又矛盾了
But I am in contradiction again
希望你就是那一个
Hope you are the one
我一直等待的那一个
The one that I waiting for

你的眼神拨动了我的心跳
Your eyes struck my heart
我的眼神对你目不转睛
And I can't take my eyes off of you

《待续》
To be continued...

It's all about chemistry

一路以来

So far and so long

渐渐地

Slowly

想让自己变得更坚强

I'm thinking of making myself even stronger

尝试不再对渴望低头

Trying not to be desperate again

也尽力不被情绪控制

And trying my best not to emotional once more

但是

But still

我又失败了

I failed once again

第一次

The very first time

就已经不断地欺骗自己

I kept lying to myself

压抑着自己真正的感觉

Suppress my true feeling

整整有四年了

For an estimation of four years

而且还是

And

在一封暗示的信息下结束

It was ended by a "signal"

曾试过产生化学

Tried to have chemistry

一样的

Still

过不了自己的那一关

I can't

放弃了……

Gave up......

又振作了……

Stand up once again.....

但是犯下了第二……

But I done my second....
第三……四……五…………

Third.... Fourth.... Fifth....
无数的错误……

Infinity of mistake......
始终还是三个字

From the beginning till the end
“失败了”

"I'm Failed"

反复地

Repeatedly
其实只是自己的单手在拍掌

Actually I'm just "clapping with one hand"
不然就是不可能的化学

Else is the impossible of chemistry reaction

也曾错失两次机会
Had missed the chances twice

愚昧的造化
Due to some stupid mistake

还会有第三次的来临吗？
Am I qualified to grant the another chance?

或是隐约地表示重新寻找？

Or it implicitly telling me to search for the new one?

十年的差距
A gap of ten years
难以了解心中的想法
Yet is so difficult to guess the heart
忽冷忽热
Hot 'n' cold at the same times
是否放弃？
Should I give up?

近来
Lately

他消失已久的出现

He pop-out once again after a long "disappear"
也蛮突然的出现

Yet a sudden one
启示了许多一直等待的答案

He gave me a lot of inspiration for those answer that I had seek for so long
还叙述了他背后的真实故事

And told me all of his stories

谢谢你

Thanks
让我重新看到另一道道路

For bringing me to the next level, a new path
盼你可以就这样的走下去

Hereby, I hope you can have a smooth one

《待续》
To be continued...

平凡中的不一样

不知为何

虽然短暂

你的影响却是那么重大

之前没好好去认识你

但是今天的对话

开窍了我

也让我勇于踏出那团谜

谜

我挣扎了多时

还不断欺骗自己的内心

和他人的诚恳

加上至今的零纪录

减掉多次的欺骗

乘上屡次的失败

除掉前所未有的零经验

何时

才能等到你的出现？

我也不知何时

开始厌倦了等待

这复杂的心情

谁来谅解？

或许自己的挑剔

或许过于的要求

或许……

或许……

如今

那朦胧的面纱

终于揭下了

慢慢地了解自己

也尝试去了解他人

也许是暂时最好的药方

我

选择了这条路

介入了这个另类的世界

曾尝试改变

还是失败了

现在

我不会退缩

我也不后悔

这是

因为我就是

来自那个世界的人

A Sudden Thought

When I shot this photo, I suddenly feel so sad and unwilling. After two more months, it will be the 4th year yet the final year for me in my tertiary life in Kampar. I never know that time can be passed so fast, it just a blink of eyes! TICK TOCK TICK TOCK~~

It feels like I just joined UTAR yesterday. Everything it just so close and the memory was so clear! I understand. No matter how fast or slow the time ticks, every moments are moving forward and never turn back. Even it can, it just the photos that flashing back our memory.

In future when T=1,2,3...., I'm going to start my FYP and Internship. And soon, I'm going to wear the "square" hat and step into the society. I'm worry that I'm not able to cope with it and end up messed up my life. As I never have experience in this reality society. Besides, I'm sure will miss all my friends, especially Foundation TD3 and whole FE fellas.

Now T=0, I'm still have 4 more assignments to go. Then continued by 5 Final Exam papers. I hope I'm able to do it and get great result to boost my CGPA.

Under the same sky at the same place, but the person we meet will never be the same. New life comes with cheer and happiness (Expansion to peak), old life goes with sorrow and sadness (Recession to trough). This is what we called the cycle of the society.

We always recover and worsen off repeatedly. In overall, we are all improving on average. Do not let any F*CKER sneak in and speculate our routine. Life with own STYLE, that's the ESSENTIAL!

HKJ 20120331 0013

Am I still able to withstand?

Y2S3 Week 9

Assignment.. Midterm.. Assignment.. Midterm.. Event.. Society..

It seem like all of them stick around me and can't get rid.

Pressure and laziness make me always no mood for it.

No much time left!

PLEASE! Wake up and proceed!

Delay will never win the race!

Just done with Moments Exhibition 2012!

I miss it so much! Was so happy all outgoing seniors came back and support us! ='[

This late of time, why am I still awake?

Reason never change for N years.

YES! Because I like to think much, thus kinda EMO-ing, DESPERATO and FRUSTRATO...

I just had a weird feeling.

Somehow, the distance between me and people around me are getting further and further until I hardly to hear you voice, feel you heartbeat and sense your breathe.

Why? MOST probably is my problem, I think!

I'm just not good expressing and disclose myself, and yet I don't want to trouble anyone.

The BEST solution is I take it my own with the GREATEST risk.

Besides, something between had changed!

You no longer the one I knew, but are you still the one that I'm waiting for?

It might be worthless because the gap, the distance and the feeling do take into account!

I admit that I can't lie to myself and I even can't assume all of these are not problem.

Indeed, it is PROBLEMS!

What can I do?

Everything is totally out of control,

One not yet end,

Another one start to come over,

It slowly decompose me into pieces,

Decaying me part by part,

I no longer in complete and perfect state.

This is the part of me,

That you never gonna ever take away from me.

All along I tired to pretend it didn't matter,

But deep down I know when I was alone.

Don't leave me BREATHLESS.

Happy 2012 New Year!

It's the 4th day of the year 2012! I'm kinda miss the moments of countdown with Kar Chun, John, Edwin, Khong, Ally, Sheng Wang and Kah Hau.

30 December 2011
It was a CRAZY and AWESOME 3D2N Countdown Celebration although I missed the laser tag in Midvalley on 30 Dec 2011. Still, as compensation, I had to go Opera (Sunway Pyramid) on that night for last day of the year 2011. That night, I not really in drinking mood and thus, I just able to hold around 10% of Black Label. And since I'm driver for the day, so I still need to control. Luckily, John, Kar Chun and Khong enjoyed it and end up we having a chillin' session at mamak.

31 December 2011
This day was a most EXCITED and INTERESTING moment for most of the people. We having a bag-pack journey from Sunway to KL Sentral then KLCC. Due to getting wrong information of hotel from John, therefore we went through a long distance journey. From KLCC, long way to Pavilion then Sungei Wang before we reach Federal Hotel. The hotel was GREAT although the people there wasted our time for room-keeping, but the room remained the scene after WW3.

After saying goodbye to my lovely sister, we went back for countdown preparation (PS: I felt sorry to Allyson and Khong due to lead her to wrong station and end up like having a mini-marathon around Sungei Wang and Timesquare). Initial plan spoiled because La Bodega was crowded after 8pm. End up, we gathered in front of Pavilion entrance for street party! Round 1 dancing from 10-12am for countdown, and rest a while before continue Round 2 dancing from 12.30-2.30am at La Bodega. We tried a lot of cocktails (Sea Breeze, Sex on the Beach, White Christmas, etc) and each of it was FANTASTIC.

1 January 2012
After a crazy countdown, we spent a night in Federal Hotel. We had lunch in Pavilion food court before we separated to our own house. Overall, the countdown celebration was definitely UNIQUE yet FUN! Hope have more crazy stuffs in future! =)

Yesterday hanging out with some secondary school friends. Sadly, I heard that few teachers that taught me in secondary school had leave this world. I'm just outdated totally, and I was shocked when heard it. May them REST IN PEACE. Besides, I also heard that our juniors had created a short video in YouTube and get more than 10k hits within 2 days, and this had published in newspaper. Bravo the Mastermind (Cody)!

The insecure between,

Hope just be an imagination.

The deep within,

It seem to afraid something and start shaking.

The junction in front,

Decision lies within the Record of FATE.

Same as other,

I'm just a human being,

Human being that have feeling and emotion.

Contrasting from others,

I'm complicated and unique,

Complicated in term of lifestyle,

Unique in term of belief and values.

I'm FATE, FATE is ME.

Although it had recorded in the SCROLL OF LIFE that scattered around the world,

We still can adopt the ADVENTURE feeling to face everyday.